Film narrator: Welcome to Sheffield,
The beating heart of Britain’s Industrial north.
The jewel In Yorkshire’s crown
Is home to over Half a million people,
And thousands more Flock here daily
To shop and to work.
All this is built on Sheffield’s Primary industry--steel.
The city's rolling mills, Forges, and workshops
Employ some 90,000 men
And state-of-the-art Machinery
To make the world's Finest steel.
From high-tensile girders To the stainless cutlery
That ends up On your dining table.
But it's not all hard work
For the people Of steel city.
They can spend the day Lounging by the pool,
Watching one of our top Soccer teams,
Or browsing in the shops.
But when the sun goes down, The fun really starts
In the city's numerous Nightclubs and discotheques.
Yes, Yorkshire folk know How to have a good time,
And it's good times For the city's housing, too.
Sheffield leads the way In town planning.
Victorian slums Have been cleared
To make way for the homes Of the future.
Thanks to steel,
Sheffield really is A city on the move.
Man: Gaz, who's gonna Buy a rusty girder?
Gaz: come on.
Boy: dad, It's stealing.
No. It's liberating, Luv. Liberating.
Man: Gaz, hang on.
10 years we worked In here, and now look.
Boy: what if we Get caught?
You don't get a criminal Record till you're 16.
Just don't Tell your mom.
Hey, listen.
Music.
Yeah.
[playing slow march]
Bloody hell.
Gaz: what are they doing?
Boy: it's the factory band.
They're still going, You know?
About the only thing Around here that is.
Eh up, security Guard's back.
[door closing]
"won't take a minute," He says.
"won't take a minute."
Now what?
Shut up. I'm thinking.
Can't we do normal Things sometimes?
What's up with you?
This is normal, Isn't it, Dave?
Oh, aye, Everyday stuff, this.
You know, I think This bugger's sinking.
Right.
Now pick it up
And try and slide it Across other side.
That's it.
Oh, fucking hell, Nathe!
They're 20 quid each, them.
That were your bloody Maintenance, were that.
Oh, shit.
Oh, nice one.
Nathe.
Nathan.
Fuckin' Hell.
Come here, Come here, come here.
Jesus, stay still.
Stay still, Stay still.
All right.
What's your initiative Got to say
About this, Then, bog eyes?
Eh up.
Someone coming.
All right?
Ah, not so bad.
Not so bad?
That's not much of A chuffing SOS., is it?
All right, all right. Don't get a benny on.
Shit.
My jeans Are bloody soaking.
Should have taken your Kit off, shouldn't you?
What's up? You shy?
Don't. Just shut it, All right?
[Gaz laughs]
Ohh.
Eh up, Dave.
All right, babe.
Dad.
What do you reckon, Dave?
8, maybe even a 9.
You can never tell till you See their tits, can you?
Dad!
What's all this, then?
It's them Chippendale efforts.
What?
Them dancers.
Mum were going on About it.
Aw, you're joking.
She must be getting Desperate.
You all waiting For me, then?
Yeah, to go home.
Well, you know Where to find me
When you're tired Of looking at them poofs.
Gaz, I’m freezing.
"women only"? Cheeky buggers.
It's a bloody Working men's club.
I mean look At the state of that.
I don't know what You've got to smile about.
I mean, he's got no willy For starters, has he?
There's nowt in the gym That'll help you there, mate.
No decent woman would be Seen dead in there.
Jean would.
Oh, Dave, what's going on?
It's her money, Isn't it?
Fucking hell. Are you Gonna just stand there
While some poof's waving His tackle at your missis?
Where's your pride, man?
She's already got you Hoovering.
I saw it, and I let it go.
But this, no, no, no.
You want to get her out of there And tell her what for.
He can't. It's women only.
Just hurry up, Will you?
Me feet Have gone numb.
Well, that's Gratitude for you.
We're riding into The "alley of death"
For you, you fat git.
It's not my fault I can't fit through, is it?
All right, then.
I'll be waiting here, Keeping guard.
You find auntie jean And tell her
Uncle Dave wants a word Outside, all right?
Do I have to?
Good kid. On you go.
[music playing]
[cheering]
Off! Off! Off! Off!
Ooh, I’m not waiting In that bloody queue.
I've always wanted a nosey In the men's toilet.
Phoor, them bloody muscles.
No, no, it's not Their bodies, bee.
It's what they do With them that counts.
I don't know what You're worrying about,
You-know-who On your tail.
%% Frankie, do you Want my body %%
Hey, frank don't Fancy me,
And I don't fancy frank,
So bloody well Give over.
Do you think he might, Though?
No, couldn't Do that to Dave.
Not even If I wanted to.
But it's like He's given up.
Work, me, everything.
Ah, luv.
Here, luv, this'll Cheer you up.
[urinating]
[women laughing]
I weren't in girl scouts For nothing.
Gaz.
That were our jean, Weren't it?
No, no. Just a couple Of old tarts.
Going back in for Nathe.
[donna summer's Hot stuff plays]
You're in big trouble.
What about Auntie jean?
Auntie jean's busy.
Nathan: I don't feel well.
Gaz: of course You don't.
You've got An hangover.
Take a day off. Hang about at home.
Your house is messy. It's cold and all.
Well, then Come down job club.
That'll be A right laugh.
Mum's house Is always warm.
I can't always have The red carpet out
For you, can I?
Anyway, it's not Your mum's house.
It's What's-his-name--
Barry's.
Tell you what.
Next weekend I’ll have A big tidy around.
I promise.
Even go and see A footie game.
Yeah?
Yeah. Sunday league Going down the park
Has got some Right good players.
United playing man u, Aren't they?
Oh, Nathe, you know I can't stretch to that.
You're always making me do Stupid stuff like last night.
Other dads don't do that.
Don't they?
Aye.
Hey, Nathe.
We could try and sneak Into man u.
Terry were telling us
About this gap In the fence.
No!
All right. I'll get Tickets. I will.
Ooh, ah, Cantona, has To wear a girlie bra.
Stuff 'em, Nathe.
Fuck.
I want your application Letters finished
By the time I get back, right?
Any problems, I'm outside.
I tell you, when women Start pissing like us,
That's it.
We're finished, Dave.
Extincto.
Yeah, I mean how?
You know?
Genetic mutations, Isn't it?
They're turning into us.
A few years And men won't exist,
Except in a zoo Or something.
I mean, we're not needed No more, are we?
Obsolete.
Dinosaurs.
Yesterday's news.
Like skateboards.
Button it, you lot.
Some of us are trying To get a job.
Hey, it says No smoking in here.
Oh, and it says Job club up there,
And when Were the last time
You saw one of them Fucking walk in?
You forget, Gerald,
You're not Our foreman anymore.
You're just like The rest of us.
Scrap.
Shut it, right?
Hang on, then.
Why were all them women In working men's club
In first place, eh?
Now, then, Because of us--men.
You call them Chippendales men?
Degrading, That's what it were.
How many lasses Were there, though?
Thousands,
Baying for blood.
10 quid in all to watch Some fucking poof
Get his kit off. 10 quid.
Right. Times 10 quid By 1,000, right?
And you've got...
Yeah, well, a lot, A very lot.
10,000 quid.
How much?
10,000 quid.
Hey, now, Dave, I mean,
It's worth a thought, Though, isn't it?
Oh, aye. Could just see Little and large
Prancing around Sheffield With their widgers hanging out.
Now that would be Worth 10 quid.
Don't be so bloody daft. We were just saying--
Widgers on parade.
Bring your own microscope.
I don't see why The chuff not, Gerald.
Because you're fat, And he's thin,
And you're both Fucking ugly.
Fucking bastard.
What's all this About sole custody?
You know what it is, Gary.
If you want joint custody,
Then you have to pay Your share.
700 quid.
I'm on dole, in case You hadn't noticed.
Then get a job. I'll get you a job.
At ££2.50 an hour
In black hole Of fucking Calcutta?
No, thank you.
Fine, whatever.
If you want to go off And play your games, Gary,
Then you can do that,
But from now on Nathan’s Gonna have 2 parents.
Oh, yeah, and your Bloody live-in lover's
Gonna do that, is he? Oh, abracadabra.
Here he is. Evening, Barry.
That'll be for Court to decide.
No, it won't. Nathan's Yours and he's mine,
And he's fuck all To do with him!
As if you've ever Given a toss.
Face it, Gary.
He don't even like Staying at your house.
Of course He bloody does.
Ask him.
Oh, Nathe, we have A laugh, don't we, kid?
Gary, don't.
Is he in? Is he in?!
Nathe!
Well, he can't hear you
Through your triple Bloody glazing.
He can hear, all right.
This is all wrong, This is.
It's all To fucking cock.
I'm his dad, and you,
You're nobody.
Good night, Gary.
Night, Nathe.
See you, kid.
No, not doing it.
I'm not stripping.
Dave, they're Taking him away.
All I need Is 700 quid,
And they've got nowt on me.
Gaz, no.
Dave, he's me kid.
I suppose there's Nicking cars.
No.
Well, then?
Look, I’ll help. I'm running now, aren't I?
But I’m taking nowt off, final.
Come on, Dave. Don't stop now.
Keep up, You fat bastard.
Gazza, you tosser.
[ignition on car Tries to turn over]
Dave: you need a hand?
Yeah, it's your H.T. Leads, I reckon.
Give it a go at that.
[engine starts]
Didn't you used to Work at Harrison’s
Before it shut down?
Yeah, I thought I clocked you.
I were on't floor With Gaz,
Him up the road.
How's it going, Then?
You got any work?
No, there's not a lot About, is there?
Yeah, well, like I say, Get some new ones
When you get the chance, All right?
No, no, My chuffing pleasure.
Dave?
Dave: Are you all right, kid?
You bastard.
[coughing]
Hey, hey!
[pounding on window]
You could shoot yourself.
Gaz: where's he gonna Find a gun around here?
You want to find yourself A big bridge, you do.
Yeah, like one of them Bungee jumps,
Only without The bungee bit.
I can't stand Heights, me.
Drowning. Now there's a way to go.
I can't swim.
You don't have to Fucking swim, you divvy.
That's the whole point.
God, you're not Very keen, are you?
Sorry.
I know.
You could stand In middle of road
And get a mate to drive Smack into you right fast.
Haven't got any mates.
Listen, you.
We just saved Your fucking life,
So don't tell us we're not Your mates, all right?
Really?
Yeah, me and all. I'd run you down
Soon as look at you.
Oh, cheers.
Ta.
Thanks a lot.
[gasping for breath]
What are you doing, mum?
Where have you been?
Driving.
Driving where?
Just driving.
I thought you'd gone.
Gaz: security guard in here.
No wonder he wants To kill himself.
Well, at least One bloke got a job
Out of this place Being shut down.
What did you Tell him for, any road?
Kid's a nutter.
He's a bugle player.
Could come in right handy.
Might need a bit of music.
He's got a car, Somewhere to practice.
Besides, good what's-its-name For the lad--
Therapy.
Oh, aye, jiggling about In the buff, therapy.
I'll tell you,
He won't be the only one Trying to kill himself
If you carry on With this caper.
Dad, I’m hungry.
Eh up.
[car horn honks]
Hey, lomper.
Where's me rice?
Try the cylinder head, Tubby.
I don't like Chinese.
Of course you do, Don't you?
Let's see His records.
What we got, Then, Dave?
The floral dance.
Marching with Hepworth.
Jesus christ.
Ah, hot chocolate.
Now we're talking.
%% I believe In miracles %%
%% %% since you came along
%% you sexy thing %%
Stick it on, Daverino. I'm there.
Dad.
Dad, don't.
No, it's all right, Nathan.
This is right. I've seen 'em do it.
Dave on speaker: Good evening, Sheffield--
Dave.
All right, all right.
You sexy thing.
A 1, 2,
A 1, 2, 3, 4.
[music starts]
[coins jingling]
%% I believe in miracles %%
%% where you from? %%
%% you sexy thing %%
%% sexy thing, you %%
%% I believe in miracles %%
%% since you came along %%
%% you sexy thing %%
%% %% where did you come from?
[needle scratches, Music stops]
Need an audience.
You need a doctor.
Gaz: I tell you,
There's something up With that kid.
Gaz: are you sure you checked The whole top end?
Dave: yeah.
There's no point. He went out.
What?
I seen him go.
There's the beggar.
Oi, Nathe!
Nathan!
Nathan.
Hellfire.
What are you doing Out here, kid?
nowt-- Walking home.
It's miles home. You know that.
Why did you Run off like that?
You're embarrassed, Aren't you?
You think your own dad's A dickhead.
We're not doing this For a laugh, you know?
I'm trying to get Some brass together
So as you and me can keep Seeing each other.
They're trying To stop us, you see.
Oh, well, I may as well not bother,
Except I’m your dad.
That counts for summat, Don't it?
I like you.
I love you, you bugger.
All right, kid?
All right?
Yeah.
Nutter.
Nathan: well, You said dancing.
Gaz: oh, it were A great idea, kid.
Just not the right Sort of dancing.
Dave: Gaz, Gaz, Hey, look here.
Gaz: oh, my god.
Gerald, me lad,
You're gonna be famous Down job club.
Dave: he's not bad for A bastard, though, is he?
He's dead, That's what he is.
Lomper: hey, you said You wanted a dance teacher.
Dave: Gerald? Go get chuffed.
He'll tell Every bugger.
We'll be laughed Out of Sheffield.
Dance teacher: Well done, everybody.
Gaz: eh up, lads, Bandits at 6 o'clock.
Ah, come in, Torvill.
Park your sequins Over here.
All right, you've had Your little laugh.
Now you can piss off.
It's a free country.
I thought you were Rather good, actually.
Very nifty footwork.
Gerald. Oh, hello.
Gerald, we're missing The rumba.
Sorry, luv. I was just Having a bit of a chat
With some pals of mine From work.
Oh.
Not thinking Of joining our class?
Well, funny you Should mention it.
I think we'd better be Getting back now, eh?
Well, good night.
Get back to your rumba.
We'll see you Later, Gerald.
At work.
Dave: he's got gnomes.
Gaz: aye, he bloody Would have.
[humming]
Things looking up?
Do you know, luv, I think they just might be.
Good.
You've been Working too hard.
About time you let One of your colleagues
Do the lion's share For a change.
I wish you'd be Firmer, Gerald.
Oh, well, Mustn't be late.
So it's all right If I, uh...
Oh, Linda, luv, You know I--
Oh, don't be So mean.
Things are Looking up.
You said so Yourself.
You'll love Skiing.
Linda.
Oh, don't matter.
Bye.
Hey, gaz.
Off to the office, Are we, Torvill?
As a matter of fact, Yes, I bloody am.
Put that back. Put it back!
See that? Interview. In the bloody bag.
Mate. I know him From Harrisons.
And I could do the job Standing on me head.
And I won't have to look at Your ugly mugs ever again.
Come on. We just Need a bit of help.
I'm sorry, pal.
There's nothing I can do To help the likes of you.
Just want to know About dancing, that's all.
Dancers have Coordination, skill,
Timing, fitness, and grace.
Take a long, hard look In the mirror.
Now, I’m busy.
Don't be late For job club, lads.
Bastard.
Director: starting at 16,000 Plus the pension scheme.
It'll be a relief To get back to work.
It's not been an easy 6 months, granted.
I'm up to date
With the latest Industry developments,
And I’ve kept meself...
Um, busy, you know.
All the qualifications are There, obviously, Gerald,
And we go back further Than I care to remember.
Sorry?
What we're asking, Gerald, is...
After such a long layoff,
Do you think You're up to the job?
You!
You bastard!
Fucking hell!
Man: Gerry, Calm down, Gerry.
Gaz: hey, Gerry-- Gerry, mate--
Come here, You bastard!
You didn't Get it, then?
Get out of the way! Come here!
Dave: leave it!
You bastard! That were mine, that job!
You don't give a toss! You're kids!
It's different for me.
I've got a standard of Living, responsibilities!
I were on me way up!
I am on me way up!
It were me first interview In months!
I could have got Me first month's in advance.
She'd never have known.
Now what?
She's still got Credit cards, you know.
She's out there now, Let loose on high street
With a fucking MasterCard! Spending!
Why can't you Just tell her?
How can I tell her After 6 months?
A woman who wants to go Skiing for us holidays.
[laughing]
Skiing for fuck's sake!
Why did you do it? It was my job!
It had to be my...job.
Can't you just Leave me alone?
Dave: stuck it With superglue.
You can't hardly See the join. Look.
Go on.
Oh, uh...
Got this in jumble, Like, to say sorry.
Wheels go round And everything.
[wheels spin]
It's for your gnomes, Really, not you.
I, uh...
I don't know. Uh...
It's marvelous, this.
We were thinking, um...
You could maybe put it Next to wishing well.
Make a bit of a....
Feature.
Yeah.
What do you reck?
Ta, lads, eh?
Ta very much.
Cigarette, For fuck's sake.
Gaz: think any of them Can dance?
You're not Still on about
This Chippendales Malarkey, are you?
A Yorkshire version.
If them buggers can, We bloody can.
You can't dance.
We know, Gerald.
Look, Gaz, Niner on its way.
Why do you think we're Trailing you all over town?
I don't know.
It's not my kind Of dancing, is it?
It's all Arse-wiggling.
Well, I’ve got a degree In arse-wiggling, mate.
You learn us dancing, I'll learn you rest.
Look, Gerald, for once, I'm dead serious.
I need your help.
What if someone Spots me?
What if Linda Finds out?
I've got Standing, me.
Aye, you've an overdraft And all, mate.
[music plays]
Jane Birkin: %% je t'aime %%
%% oui, je t'aime %%
Serge Gainsbourg: %% quoi de plus %%
Jane Birkin: %% oh, mon amour %%
Serge Gainsbourg: %% comme la vague %%
%% irresolve %%
%% je vais %%
? %% je vais, et je viens... ?
%% contre tes reins %%
%% je vais, et je viens %%
%% contre tes reins... %%
[music stops]
I'm sorry. Sorry.
Thought I’d give it a go.
I got a bit desperate, like. You know how it is.
I can't even take Me kits off properly, can I?
You're All right, reg.
There's a cup of tea If you like.
No, thanks. I've got the kids outside.
Bring 'em in.
Nah.
This is no place For kids.
This is crazy.
Gaz: so...
It's Mr. Horse.
Horse.
Yeah, well, just A minute, Mr. Horse.
My colleagues On the panel...
Ask him why he's Called "the horse."
You bloody ask him.
It's not 'cause he does Grand national, is it?
That's all very well, But what's the point
Of having a big wanger If you need a zimmer frame
To tout it in, eh?
I mean, he must be 50, If he's a day.
So, horse, What can you do?
Don't know, really.
Um, let's see. There's the, uh...
There's the bump...
The stomp...
The bus stop...
Me break dancin' days Are probably over,
But there's always The funky chicken.
Now you're talking.
All of them?
Oh, yeah. I think so.
Well, It's been a while, mind.
I've got this dodgy hip, You know.
Yeah.
Well, stick it on, Nathe.
Do your worst, pal.
%% 1, 2, 3 %%
%% ow %%
%% unh %%
%% all right %%
%% unh %%
%% gotta know how to pony %%
%% like boney maroney %%
%% the mashed potato %%
%% do the alligator %%
%% ow %%
%% unh %%
%% na na-na-na na %%
%% na-na-na-na Na-na-na na-na-na %%
%% na-na-na-na %%
%% ow! %%
My favorite film's Singing in't rain.
They do that Walking-up-wall thing.
Bloody ace, it is.
He knows me.
He plastered our bathroom A few months back.
Get rid of him.
Shut up. You'll be fine.
He'll blow me cover. Shut up.
What walking-up-wall Thing?
Man: I’ll show you.
I'm Donald O’Connor, Right?
That's the wall.
[thud]
Man: ouch.
Oh, well...
It's better than that in The film, like, you know?
[clears throat]
So, you don't sing?
No.
You don't dance?
No.
Hope you don't think I'm being nosy,
But what do you do?
Well, uh...
There is this.
[coughs]
Gentlemen...
The lunchbox has landed.
Chuffing Nora.
All right, Gerald. Didn't see you over there.
Did his bathroom.
Hello, guy.
Nathe...
Nathan.
Dave: I say, jean?
Yeah?
Ever been out With a black bloke?
You know I haven't, Dave.
But...
If you were on the lookout For a new fella, right,
If you were, just saying,
Would you think about it?
What's got into ya?
No, would you, Though?
I might do, yeah.
Is that all right?
So it's true, then.
I've bloody had Enough of this.
What's true?
What they say About black blokes.
They've got great Bodies and that.
Some of them, yeah.
And?
Nothing.
David, I don't care If they're black, white,
Or bloody rainbow-colored.
I'm married to you, Remember?
Yeah.
Night.
Why would I want Anyone else, eh?
Big man.
Jeanie...
I'm all in.
It's amazing how tiring It is doing nowt, you know?
[laughing]
Gaz: they're Just messing, Dave.
You reckon?
Course.
Just jean, isn't it?
Got any of them Mint chocolates, Nathe?
Get lost. You're on a diet.
Don't you start now.
Right, How much you got, then?
[sighs]
22--27 pence.
4.99 special offer.
We're still A fucking fiver short.
Well, you know What this means, Dave.
Oh, no. Come on, Gaz. Why me?
Because you've got An innocent face, luv.
I've got "serial killer" Written on me forehead.
If you're not going to dance,
You can do something Bloody well useful instead.
What if jean finds out? She'll throw an eppy.
She's only over there.
She's miles away.
See you later. Good luck.
Give us A pear drop, you.
They're not paid for.
[alarm sounds]
[stops]
[alarm sounds]
%% first %%
%% when there's nothing %%
%% but a slow Glowing dream... %%
Hey, what's this?
I didn't go On the nick in asda
For some chuffing Women's how-to video.
It's Flashdance,dave. She's a welder, isn't she?
A welder?
I hope she dances Better than she welds.
I mean, look at that. Her mix is all to cock.
Shut up, Dave.
What the fuck do you know About welding, any road?
More than some Chuffing woman.
It's like bonfire night. That's too much acetylene.
Them joints Won't hold fuck all.
Oh, for christ's Sake, Dave.
We're looking for Dancing, aren't we?
He's got the hump About asda.
Hey. Cop A load of that.
%% what a feelin' %%
%% I hear music now %%
Gerald: what did I tell you?
She's nifty On her pins, is that one.
%% you just come alive... %%
That, gentlemen, is What we are looking for.
Oh, aye. I can see him
Doing all that twizzling About bollocks.
It's souped-up tango Is that.
Teach any bugger in a week. Even you, mate.
Oh, even a fat bastard Like me?
Yeah, I know what I am, So don't take the piss, you.
All right. 2 weeks.
Straight up.
%% what a feeling %%
%% I can have it all %%
%% being is believing %%
%% being is believing... %%
I don't know, gaz.
Jean reckons I should take
That security guard job Down at asda.
Jesus! Security?
You're worth more Than that, Dave.
Jean don't think so.
I reckon there's Summat going on
With her and that bloke.
The juggling bugger?
No. No way.
Not as if I blame her.
Well, you can Show her, Dave.
Nobody tells Them Chippendales
To go be security, Do they?
Rakin' it in, They are.
2 weeks. That's What the man said,
And he's not Taking the piss.
It's a thought.
It's more Than a thought.
You think of jean's face When she sees you
Dancing like old Fucking flashdance.
2 weeks?
Just like flashy tits?
It's what Your man said.
Hey.
I can weld better Than her and all.
Ha ha!
Stop! No! No! Stop! Stop! Stop!
What?
You stay still...
And you go forward, ok?
Ok.
All right, Nathan.
[hot stuff plays]
1, 2, 3--
No! No! No!
Jesus christ!
All I want to do is get you In a straight bloody line!
What do I have to do?
Well, it's the arsenal Off-side trap, isn't it?
The what?
The arsenal Off-side trap.
Lomper here is Tony Adams, right?
Any bugger Looks like scoring,
We all step forward In a line
And wave our arms Around like a fairy.
Oh, well, That's easy.
Ok.
Nathan.
And 1, 2, 3, 4, go!
All: yes!
Perfect.
Well, you Should have said.
Come on. Get in quick And wipe your boots.
Hey, put that back. You'll break it.
Just looking.
Bit posh, isn't it?
Gaz: right then.
Are we right?
Right for what?
Taking us kit off.
Dave: thought you Were turning me
Into a fancy dancer.
Listen, ladies, We are strippers, aren't we?
What, here? Now? In this house?
This is A good area, this is.
Gaz, I dunno.
If we can't get us kit off In front of ourselves,
What chance have we got In front of all them lasses?
Tops off.
Come on.
Well, no looking.
And no laughing, You bastards.
I used to have A proper job, me.
I ask you, What are we doing?
And the kegs.
Horse by name, Horse by nature, eh, horse?
Oh, Shut it, you.
Hey, how come You're so brown, any road?
No reason.
Someone's got a sun-bed, Haven't they, Gerald?
It's Linda’s, And, no, you bloody can't,
And don't think of asking.
What am I going To do about this?
Gaz: Oh, it's not too bad.
From the front, like.
Fat, David, Is a feminist issue.
And what's that supposed To mean when it's at home?
I don't bloody know, Do I? But it is.
I try dieting.
I do try.
Seems I spent most of Me fucking life on a diet.
The less I eat, The fatter I get.
So stuff yourself And get thin.
Shut up, Saggy tits.
This mate of Linda’s
Had this plastic Stuff put on her
At this posh Health club.
She lost pounds. It were like magic.
Oh, what was it Called, now?
Anyway, it's Like cling-film.
I've heard of that.
Cling-film?
I'm not a chicken Drumstick, Gerald.
You wrap it around. Reduce the fat.
She swears By it.
[doorbell rings]
You can't just take stuff.
Sorry, mate.
I only owe him 120 quid.
That's all these'll Fetch secondhand.
They're not secondhand.
They are now, mate.
Put down and piss off.
Fucking hell!
I think There's been a mistake.
We'll check with the office.
[door closes]
Cheers, lads.
It's not bad, This stripping lark, is it?
[the stripper plays]
Gerald: Dave and Lomps, Up the wing.
1, 2, 3, 4.
Left touchline, 3, 4.
Right touchline, 3, 4.
Off-side trap, 1, 2...
3, 4.
Now the belt, 3, 4.
Now the shoes, 3, 4.
Now the socks, 3, 4.
Hang on!
Carry on!
I--aah! [music stops]
That were crap.
Come on, Give us a chance.
I bet even Madonna Has difficulty
Getting Her shoes and socks off.
Guy: you could have Had me eye out.
Gerald: I'm sorry, aren't I?
What are you doing with them, You great bugger?
They're bloody Borrowed, them.
We can use them For the show.
It's what Them Chippendales do.
They put velcro down The side, and then...
All is revealed.
I'll sew 'em Back up after.
Where did you learn To be an ace sewer then?
Prison.
Cheers, Nathe.
Come on, al. It's me.
Which is precisely why It's 100 quid up front.
Half price.
If I give you the club For nowt, you don't turn up,
Go back on your word,
I'm left with an empty club On a Friday night.
Course We'll turn up.
I haven't got 100 quid!
If you told me what you Were up to, it might help.
I can't. It's top secret.
Sorry, youth.
All right, luv?
Hi, mum.
What do you want?
All right, Mand?
I'm gonna get you All your money.
Our money.
Nathan's.
Well, you know, For definite this time.
Yeah, right. That all?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Well, no. The thing is, Mand,
You have to speculate to Accumulate in business, like.
I'm not sure I'm hearing this.
I'm gonna get you The whole lot.
I just need a tiny bit.
You want some money?
Yeah.
Right. Need someone In packing section.
2.50 an hour. You can Start now if you like.
You coming?
Come on, dad.
Nathan, you can't Do this, kid.
It's your savings.
I can. I just Need your signature.
It says in't book.
I'd like to take My money out, please.
You bloody well Can't have it.
All right, luv. It's sorted.
It's my money. I want it.
££100, please.
When you're 18, You can walk in
And get it yourself, Can't you?
You said You'd get it back.
I know, but you don't want To listen to what I say.
You said so.
I believe you.
You do?
Yeah.
Blimey, Nathe.
%% you've done it all %%
%% you've broken Every code... %%
Come on. Come on.
1, 2. 1, 2.
1, 2...
And 3...
And 4...
Good.
And 20... And one for luck.
9...
10!
Unh! Unh! Unh!
%% blue eyes, blue eyes %%
%% how can you tell So many lies? %%
%% come up and see me %%
%% make me smile %%
%% I’ll do what you want %%
%% running wild %%
[whistle blowing]
Ha ha!
[whistle blows]
What?
Get off!
Yeah!
Yes! Ha ha ha!
It's not straight That, Lomps.
Give over. It's only a poster.
[laughing]
Christ All-bloody-mighty.
All right, Sweethearts?
Sheryl: Gary the lad.
What you up to, Then, shifty?
Bit of this, Bit of that,
Bit of the other.
Just a bit of advertising For some mates.
Oh, aye.
And who's gonna come And see your mates?
We had the real thing up here The other day, you know.
Well, us mates Are better.
Better? How's that, then?
Well...
This lot go all the way.
Stark naked?
Don't they, lads?
The full monty? You lot?
Hellfire!
That would be worth a look. See you there, then.
Ta.
[laughing]
Keep your hair on.
Dave: no way, No, and never,
In that order, Kid.
Excuse me?
No one said anything To me about the full monty.
But you heard 'em.
We got to give 'em Something
Your average 10-bob Stripper don't.
Yeah, but...me willy? You mean to say--
Your willy? My willy.
A laughingstock. Totally.
Well, they're coming, Aren't they?
Yeah, with A pair of scissors.
They know it's us, You know.
And by closing time, Every bugger in Sheffield
Is going to know it's us
Whether we do it Or whether we don't.
We can either forget it, Go back to fucking job club,
Or do it and Just maybe get rich.
And I tell you...
Folks don't Laugh so loud
When you've a grand In your back pocket.
Now, are you in...
Or are you out?
Radio: heavy rain is causing All sorts of problems
For drivers on the pennines,
Where the a57's Closed at castletown.
So please avoid the area If possible.
The good news Is that the outlook
For the rest of the week Is much better,
With the storms Clearing by Friday
To leave the weekend Warm and sunny.
Now back to the music.
Here's another disco classic From the seventies.
It's donna summer With hot stuff.
[music plays]
%% sittin' here eatin' My heart out waitin' %%
%% waitin' for some lover To call %%
%% dialed about A thousand numbers lately %%
%% almost rang the phone Off the wall %%
%% lookin' for some hot stuff, Baby, this evenin' %%
%% I need some hot stuff, Baby, tonight %%
%% I want some hot stuff, Baby, this evenin' %%
%% gotta have Some hot stuff %%
%% gotta have Some love tonight %%
%% hot stuff %%
%% I need hot stuff %%
%% I want some hot stuff %%
No.
Gerald. Come on, man.
Just an hour.
[We are Family playing]
There's some Fit birds in there.
Nah, tits are too big.
Yeah? Didn't know They could be.
"anti-wrinkle cream."
Hey, can fellas Use this and all?
Do you mind, you?
[music stops]
I just pray they're A bit more understanding
About us, that's all.
You what?
Well, they're going To be looking at us
Like that, aren't they?
I mean, What if next Friday,
400 women Turn round and say,
"he's too fat, he's too old,
And he's a pigeon-chested Little tosser."
What happens then, eh?
They wouldn't say that, Would they?
Why not? He's just said Her tits are too big.
That's different. We're blokes.
Dave: yeah, and?
I think she's got Nice tits, actually.
I never said owt About personality, like.
She's probably quite nice If you get to know her.
No, and They won't say nowt
About your Personality, neither.
Which is good, 'cause You're basically a bastard.
Bollocks To your personality.
This is what they're Looking at, right?
And I tell you Summat, mate,
Anti-wrinkle cream There may be,
But anti-fat-bastard Cream there is none.
Guy: uh, lads...
Dave: oh, mother.
Bloody hell.
Gaz said he wanted something A bit flashy, you know?
Hey, it's top of the range. Real leather-like.
Yeah, but...
You don't get much For your money, do you?
Horse: what day Is it again?
Monday.
And when are we on?
Friday. Dress rehearsal tomorrow.
[sniffs]
I think I’m gonna be sick.
Horse: how can I read The instructions?
There wasn't any.
No. Well, maybe there's A part missing.
Yeah, got that.
If that's what you call it.
Yeah, well, If it's all there,
How come it's not working?
What do you mean, In what sense?
It's not working in the sense That it's not working.
No, I can't speak up.
Nothing's happening, You know what I’m saying?
Nothing's getting bigger.
Well, this is an emergency, Is this.
What's the matter, Big man?
I'm sorry.
Dave.
%% ...love with A warm-blooded lover %%
%% wanna bring a wild man Back home %%
%% gotta have some hot love, Baby, this evenin' %%
%% I need some Hot stuff, baby, tonight %%
You're ahead.
%% I want some hot-- %%
Oh, give us a break, Will you?
All right, kid.
Tell us straight.
We're not making the biggest Arses of ourselves
In the known universe, Are we?
Dave, mate,
Uh, can I have a word?
In private, like?
Yeah, suppose so.
Dave, you won't tell Anyone, will you?
No. Your, uh...
Your secret's safe With me.
When I were about 12...
Our school took us for...
For swimming lessons.
Mixed classes.
You know--boys...
And, uh...
And girls.
Oh. It were Terrible, Dave.
I were there...
Standing at the side Of pool in me trunks
With all these pretty lasses Around in bikinis.
And, well, I...
I got, uh...
Well, I...
I got a stiffy.
What did you do?
I jumped into deep end, Didn't I?
I nearly fucking drowned.
But what if it happens again? Think of that, eh?
In front of 400 women.
Gerald...
You're talking To the wrong man.
Gerald: I thought you said It were just your mum.
Horse: well, it's family, Isn't it? What can you do?
Who the hellfire Is that?
Horse: oh, no.
It's beryl,
My niece.
Where's Dave?
Here, Dave.
Dave!
What are you doing?
What does it look like?
We're on In 3 days' time.
Where the fuck are you?
I'm here-- Working, earning--
That's where. Not pissing about.
End of chat.
Dave...
Come on, Dave.
No.
All right, then.
Ooh! Very nice.
Gaz, please, don't.
Come on, Mr. Security guard,
Do your job.
Gazza.
Gerald: horse, mate, Get out there
And tell them there's A bit of a delay.
Horse: well, they won't Wait forever, you know.
Ohh.
Keep up, You fat bastard.
[alarm sounding]
Aah!
Don't ever call me A fat bastard, all right?!
All right?!
We need you, Dave.
I can't.
I just can't, all right?
Horse: listen...
Just think of the most boring Thing you can come up with.
That should keep it Well in order.
Like what?
Double glazing Salesmen?
Gardening. The queen's speech.
Guy: dire straits' Double album.
Nature programs.
I like Nature programs.
Aye, but they don't give you A hard-on, do they?
Do they? Blimey, Gerald.
Aw, shut up!
It's not funny. It's medical.
[laughter]
He's not coming.
It's all right. We can do without him.
[Gary glitter playing Rock and roll part 2]
%% hey! %%
%% uhh %%
%% ahh %%
%% pshoo %%
%% hey! %%
Come on.
%% hey %%
[music stops]
So your daddy dances In front of you, does he?
When he's rehearsing.
We were dancing All right then and all.
My feet are freezing.
Duty sergeant: right.
Name?
Gary Schofield.
[softly] Gerald Arthur Cooper.
What?
Gerald Arthur cooper.
Barrington Mitchell.
Barrington?
Yeah.
That one "r"?
No. 2.
2.
[baby crying]
[whispering] Come on, Lomps.
[laughing]
[dogs barking]
Told you. Robbing pipes, That's all.
Gary, my friend,
No bugger robs pipes In the buff.
We do.
Don't get your clothes Dirty, do you?
Oh, well, Don't fret, gents.
There's a right Good laundry
In Wakefield prison.
Eh?
[knock on door, Door opens]
Security camera tapes Off the front desk.
What happened to The security guard?
Uhh!
[laughter]
Policeman: I can't believe What I’m watching.
You're always Ahead there.
You're always bloody Behind, more like.
Oh, bloody. Look--
Excuse me, can I Borrow this for a second?
[murmuring, Giggling]
Look, shut up, Will ya?
Watch.
Inspector: He's right.
You're ahead.
Oh, go bollocks.
[groaning]
No. Shh! [laughing]
Shh. Be quiet. Come on. Shh.
Whoa! Whoa! Oh!
[laughing]
Shh. Be quiet. Me mum.
Oh, I’ve always wanted To meet your mum.
Shh. Shh.
What do you mean I can't bloody see him?
He's me son!
I haven't even been charged.
Ask smiler in there. No charge.
Sorry. Social services Have requested
An interview with you.
Have to make An appointment.
I've come to Pick up my son.
Oh, right. Uh... Just a minute, madam.
Listen, Mand, He's fine.
We've not been Charged or owt.
So this is your great Money-making enterprise,
Is it, Gary--pornography?
Oh, don't be daft.
We're trying to get you Your money, that's all.
My money? Nathan's money.
Duty sergeant: Here he is.
Nathan: hi, dad.
All right, kid?
Yeah, fine. Hi, mum.
Come on, love.
We're going now.
Come on, Mand.
Mandy: unemployed.
Maintenance arrears Of 700 pound,
And now you've been arrested For indecent exposure.
Still think you're A suitable father, do you?
He is trying.
See?
It's a bit late For that.
Hang on a minute.
Look at yourself, Gary.
Just look at yourself.
All right, mate?
So...
Yeah.
And this has been Going on how long?
Uh...
About 6 months.
I can cope with losing The sun-bed...
The car, The television.
I can even cope With the shame
Of everyone Watching this.
But 6 months? 6 bloody months!
And you wouldn't Say to me...
To your wife.
I thought you liked them.
No, Gerald, I've never liked them.
[knock on door]
They've taken me sun-bed.
They've taken Bloody everything.
Kept hold of Your chips, though.
House repossessed,
Wife thrown me out.
Guess what?
I've just been offered That job.
Congratulations.
All right, kid?
Hiya.
Fancy a kick about In park?
Yeah.
[car doors close]
Nathe?
Hiya. All right, luv?
You shouldn't be here.
Says who?
Read the lawyer's letter, Why don't you?
We're going swimming, dad. Do you want to come?
I can't, kid.
Haven't brought Me trunks, have I?
We can go get them, Can't we, mum?
Gaz: I can't, luv.
Why?
I just...
I just can't. Sorry.
He's not allowed, is he?
Come on, luv.
[car doors close]
[kicks ball]
Gaz: Dave.
Oi, you deaf git.
Oh, what do you Want now?
I've told you, I'm finished with it.
We're all finished, Dave.
I'm a bloody Marked man now.
Sorry about your Nathan.
It's a bad one that.
Ah...
It's about lomper.
What's that pasty-faced Chuffer want?
His mum died 2 days ago.
Ah.
Poor lad. I'm sorry.
You couldn't borrow us A jacket or something
For the funeral, Could you?
Gaz... Oh, come on, Dave.
It's not for me. It's a funeral.
What color?
Orange.
Orange?
Black, For fuck's sake.
All right, look, I’ll Meet you by the doors.
Nice one.
Come on, then.
You've got Some time off?
Nah. That fuckin' pick 'n' mix Were driving me crazy.
Besides, it's a funeral. You ready?
Ready when you are.
[alarm sounding]
Yah! Ha ha ha!
[cornet playing]
[brass band playing]
Gaz: they bloody are, You know.
They're holding hands.
They're never.
Straight up.
I never even hold hands With ruddy ladies, me.
Maybe I should.
Well, who'd have Bloody thought it, eh?
Ah, well, there's nowt As queer as folk.
Eh, Gaz, I said there's nowt as queer as folk.
Shut up, Dave. It's supposed To be a bloody funeral.
I'm sorry.
Girl: hey, look. Who's that? It's that guy.
Show us your pecs!
[wolf whistle]
Let's see Your knob, boy.
[whistling]
Girl: they were together In the paper, weren't they?
Have you been Actively seeking work
Over the last fortnight?
Yeah.
Have you done any work, Paid or unpaid,
Over the last fortnight?
No.
That's not What I’ve heard.
Right, come on, you lot.
Slaidburn.
1, 2, 3, 4...
[band playing The stripper]
[singing the stripper]
Go get shagged.
[horn honks]
Oh, fuck.
Hey, Patricia the stripper.
Bugger off.
Where have you bloody been?
Well, what's going on? I've had to buy in 20 barrels.
I've heard not A word from you.
Yeah, well, I hope They're sale or return.
You're joking. You're bloody famous.
Yeah, don't remind me.
Yeah, I’ve sold 200 odd tickets.
How many?
Well done, Gerald. All the best.
All right, sir.
Manager: hey! Example for you there.
Hey, nice suit, Gerald.
[whistles]
Yeah.
Well, I--I best be off.
You never know.
There might be a job In it for you boys.
I'll see what I can do.
Gaz: all right, lads.
Gaz.
We're on.
We're bloody on.
What?
We've sold 200 tickets.
That's 2 grand already.
Oh, it's a bit late For all that, gaz.
I mean, fresh start, You know?
One more time, Gerald.
You got the rest Of your fucking life
To wear a suit, man.
Horse: come on, Gerald.
Aye, go on, Gerald.
Just once.
Yes!
That's all.
Just tonight.
How about it, Dave?
Haven't you grown Out of all that yet?
Come on, mate.
Nah.
Sorry, lads.
Jean?
Jean, luv?
There you are.
I should've guessed
When you started wearing Tottie lotion.
You never put it on For me, did you?
Jean.
But this...
Never had you down For this sort of caper.
Explains a few things, At least.
No. Look, I know It don't look good, but...
You're bloody right It don't.
All those nights You were late back,
And stupid cow here
Thought you were out Looking for a job.
Well, no wonder.
No bloody wonder.
It's so obvious.
No. I were with gaz. Honest.
Oh, right!
She's one of Gaz's Little tarts, is she?
Well, that makes sense.
She'd have to be
To put up With this kind of shit!
Hey, hey!
Just listen, will ya?!
It's nowt to do With any fucking women,
All right?
I'm...
I were a stripper, Right?
Me and Gaz And some fellas
Thought we could make A bob or 2
Out of taking Us clothes off.
Strippers?
All right, all right. I know.
You...
And Gaz...
Strippers?
We weren't that bad.
Only I couldn't, Could I?
Why not?
Well, look at me.
So?
Jeanie, who wants To see this dance?
Me, Dave.
I do.
[loud conversations]
Women only, you tosser.
Women only.
It's on our posters, For fuck's sake.
No. Nobody told me.
Ohh.
Our blokes from pub Are in there.
The bastards.
Ah, you'll be all right, Mate, once you're onstage.
Once I’m onstage?
What do you mean Once I’m onstage?
I'm going nowhere near The fucking stage.
It's suicide, That's what it is!
Suicide.
[chuckles]
[crowd cheering For the show to begin]
Shit.
I'll give Their money back.
Alan, announce it, Please.
To 400 horny punters?
Ask me another one, kid.
Hey, by heck,
Our old English teacher's On front row.
We're gonna get Torn to pieces.
They will if you don't Get out there.
Have you ever seen
A zebra brought down By a pack of wolves?
Marvelous, These nature programs.
Aren't they marvelous?
Oh, brilliant, Aren't they?
They are, though, Aren't they, Gerald?
Oh, pack it in.
Not lost your bottle, Have you, Gaz?
Dave! Dave.
Well, there were nowt on telly,
So I thought I'd give it a go.
Oh, I, uh, found this one Wandering about outside.
Wouldn't let me in.
What the bloody hell Are you doing here?
Your mum'll go mad.
She's out front.
Is she?
Barry with her?
She wouldn't Let him come.
Said it were Women only.
Lads, I can't hold Them any longer.
It's now or never.
Here we go.
We're bloody on.
Go get Your jacket on.
Can't we leave us G-strings on, then, Gaz?
Perhaps You better had.
No, we better hadn't.
Listen...
If we're doing this,
Then just this once, We're doing it right.
Now come on.
Alan: all right, come on. Put your hands together
And welcome Mr. Dave Horsefall.
[women screaming]
Ok, ladies and gents...
Man: get off, chubby!
And you buggers Up the back there.
Get on with it!
All right. Yeah, We may not be young.
We may not be pretty.
We may not be right good.
But we're here,
We're live,
And for one night only,
We're going For the full monty!
[cheering]
You can't miss it. Not after everything.
Gerald: come on, gaz. Hurry up.
I'm sorry, lads.
Good luck, eh?
[music begins playing]
Tom Jones: %% huh! %%
%% %% baby, take off your coat
Listen, I’m gonna get Really annoyed with you
In a minute.
They're cheering Out there.
You did that.
Now get out there And do your stuff.
God! Is there anyone I don't get bollocked by?
Out!
%% oh %%
%% why don't you take off Your shoes? %%
%% baby, Take off your dress %%
%% yes %%
%% yes, yes %%
Mandy: go on, Gaz!
%% you can leave Your hat on %%
%% go over there %%
%% turn on the light %%
%% no %%
%% all the lights %%
%% come back here %%
%% stand on the chair %%
%% ooh, baby %%
%% that's right %%
[playing to music]
%% raise your arms In the air %%
%% ooh, ooh, ooh %%
%% now shake 'em %%
Yeah! Yeah! Yay!
Go, Dave!
%% you give me reason To live %%
%% you give me reason %%
%% to live %%
[laughing]
Go on!
%% %% listen to what I say
Singers: %% you can Leave your hat on %%
Oh, my god!
%% you can leave Your hat on, baby %%
%% ooh hoo %%
Yay! Yeah!
%% ...your hat on %%
%% ooh ooh ooh hoo %%
%% ooh ooh ooh Hoo hoo %%
%% you can leave Your hat on %%
Women chanting: Monty! Monty!
%% tell me, baby %%
[wild cheering]
%% tell me, baby %%
%% you can leave Your hat on %%
%% gotta hear it again %%
Off! Off!
%% you can leave Your hat on %%
[wild cheering]
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
%% you can leave %%
%% your %%
%% hat on %%
%% yeah! %%
%% leave your hat on, Baby %%
.
Hot chocolate: %% I believe in miracles %%
%% where you from %%
%% you sexy thing? %%
%% sexy thing, you %%
%% I believe in miracles %%
%% since you came along %%
%% you sexy thing %%
%% where did You come from %%
%% baby? %%
%% how did you know %%
%% I needed you? %%
%% how did you know %%
%% I needed you So badly? %%
%% how did you know %%
%% I’d give my heart Gladly? %%
%% yesterday %%
%% I was one Of the lonely people %%
%% now you're lying Close to me %%
%% makin' love to me %%
%% I believe in miracles %%
%% where you from %%
%% you sexy thing? %%
%% sexy thing, you %%
%% I believe in miracles %%
%% since you came along %%
%% you sexy thing %%
%% where did You come from %%
%% angel? %%
%% how did you know %%
%% I’d be the one? %%
%% did you know %%
%% you're everything I prayed for? %%
%% did you know? %%
%% every night And day for %%
%% every day %%
%% needing love And satisfaction %%
%% now you're lying Next to me %%
%% givin' it to me %%
%% I believe in miracles %%
%% where you from %%
%% you sexy thing? %%
%% sexy thing, you %%
%% I believe in miracles %%
%% since you came along %%
%% you sexy thing %%
%% oh! %%
%% kiss me %%
%% you sexy thing %%
%% touch me, baby %%
%% you sexy thing %%
%% I love the way You touch me, darlin' %%
%% you sexy thing %%
%% ohh ho! %%
%% it's ecstasy %%
%% you sexy thing %%
%% yesterday %%
%% I was one Of the lonely people %%
%% now you're lying Close to me %%
%% givin' it to me %%
%% I believe in miracles %%
%% where you from %%
%% you sexy thing? %%
%% sexy thing, you %%
%% I believe in miracles %%
%% since you came along %%
%% you sexy thing %%
%% wow! %%
%% ohh, touch me %%
%% kiss me, darlin' %%
%% I love the way You hold me, baby %%
%% uh-huh %%
%% it's ecstasy %%
%% ohh! %%
%% it's ecstasy %%
%% you sexy thing, you %%
%% sexy thing %%
%% touch me, baby %%
%% you sexy thing, you %%
%% I love the way You kiss me, darlin' %%
%% you sexy thing, you %%
%% oh, uh-huh, yeah %%
%% sexy thing %%
%% you sexy thing, you %%
%% love the way You hold me %%
%% you sexy thing, you %%
%% keep on lovin' me, Darlin' %%
%% you sexy thing, you %%
%% keep on lovin' me, Baby %%
%% you sexy thing, you %%
%% ohh, uh-huh-huh %%
%% sexy thing %%
{{{ the end }}}